Two years ago this month, we hosted a family luncheon for our oldest son & his fiancée — like a rehearsal dinner but since it was a small wedding, there wasn’t really a rehearsal so we opted for a luncheon instead.
Backing up two months — in early December — Cole shared he had a ring 💍 and was going to propose.
Of course, I already knew.
I still had access to his bank account and never said a word for the entire month he had it before he told us.
Let’s just say “spy mom” 👀 was alive and well — but surprisingly disciplined.
I had heard from other women that it was hard for them when their son got engaged & married. I wasn’t sure why until it happened.
I had ALL the EMOTIONS. ALL. OF. THEM.
And I can’t even fully tell you why.
To say I wanted to “take to the bed” was an understatement — dramatic, I know — but again, can’t explain why!?! My son had waited and they dated for five years. Both God honoring and loving. Both sweet, kind and thoughtful. Wonderful & blessed match.
And yet… I took to the bed.
Part of me also knew along with others that their wedding would take some coordination. See I didn’t give birth to Cole but he is mine.
His wedding meant that both mothers would be present and all of us were sensitive to that. How to coordinate? How does this all work with church, service, etc. A teeny bit of stress to be honest.
But this was about my son & his future wife so whatever they wanted, they got.
Our “family luncheon” (aka rehearsal dinner) was planned and it was a success. Everything was ready and just perfect.
To ease anxiety, we set out place cards for seating so everyone had a “home.” Nothing says peace like assigned seating.
A bit of history — I’ve raised Cole since before he was 12. He’s 26 now. All three have always been “mine.” Never once do I say “step” anything (can’t stand that word honestly). Generally when biological mom has been around, I respected that and genuinely have never wanted to make anyone especially my children uncomfortable.
In preparation of that day, I had fleeting thoughts about giving a “speech.” Something special to bless them that they can keep as a memory to years to come. But again, I didn’t want to rock the boat.
That morning of the luncheon however, I thought to myself that if I had given birth to Cole I wouldn’t think twice about giving a speech.
The facts were that I had raised Cole from about 11 onward and here he is 24…. I had prayed for him daily and his future bride for years. I had been there with him celebrating all the big and small occasions — first days of school, taking him to his driving test in Manchester, all the birthdays & holidays, teaching him to cook eggs, reminding him to clean his room and pick up dirty clothes off the floor.
For 13+ years I had his mornings, noons and nights. I knew what he liked and didn’t. I had been there for the fun days and the hard ones. We had journeyed through all that… together.
The truth started to fully set in my heart.
I knew I was not the only mom. But I was and am his mom.
Leading up to the luncheon, I had planned everything — designed the invite, décor, games, meal & location, all the things. So much fun! I had created a special playlist for the occasion. Printed I think like 30 something pictures of them — several for every year of their relationship — and had them scattered all over the venue.
So that morning I decided I WOULD speak at the luncheon as his mom because I was. He may call me “Becky” but realized, I AM MOM and most importantly to him, I am mom.
Below is what I wrote that morning in one sitting. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband, for fear I may talk myself out of it. After one of the games, I said I had a little speech and I read this letter… yes it probably was awkward for the other mom who honestly took the role of a guest. But this was about Cole & Madison and my deep love for them both.
2/10/2024
To Cole and Madison,
I knew I wanted to write something but where to start… Cole, you have a piece of my heart like no one else. Perhaps because we had to grow up together a bit but probably more because we walked through fire together. But we chose to. We did it together.
As I prepare for today, the day before, my heart floods with emotion – unspeakable joy, love, excitement, pride for you both, humility of this gift of a life God has given me, and an overwhelming awareness God is real, and He is faithful. I see His faithfulness in each of you.
Tomorrow, you start the day as two people in love and you end the day in love but as husband and wife.
Cole, as you walk forward, be the leader of your wife and family God has called you to be. Love your wife like Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. These are just words now but you will learn them over time. Remember Madison is your Bride, not just tomorrow but every day going forward.
Madison, when I prayed for Cole’s future wife, I prayed for a woman protected by God. A woman that walks in the worth God has assigned her. A woman whose Christ centered character makes her the most beautiful. God chose you. YOU! You are an answer to the prayers I prayed for Cole and our family. To be honest I also prayed for a little bit of sass which it makes me smile when I see it.
Remember you are Cole’s Bride. Not just tomorrow but everyday hereafter. Be his “Bride” every day.
Karl & Ruth, thank you for the godly foundation you built for Madison. It shows. Thank you. We are honored to do life with you going forward.
In God’s perfect plan, you will leave your parents and cleave to your spouse. We will be here but first is God. Second if your spouse. This is God’s Plan. Learn to lean on each other. You’ll figure it out.
Walking forward it will be new for you and us as all your parents. You are changing and our role is too. Please give us a little grace when we forgot our new role.
As I said to Madison recently, I love you both but my commitment is to your marriage first. What is best for your marriage is best for each of you. You have my commitment to your marriage. Our commitment to your marriage.
This weekend is about you, Cole & Madison. A celebration of you. Your love to each other and your love to Jesus. God will honor your marriage because you honored him first.
Madison, welcome officially into the family! Tomorrow you will not be my daughter in law but my daughter.
Cole, my beloved son, our beloved son…. forever.
May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.
Love you both,
Ms. Mom
From The Porch 🍃
Afterward that weekend had passed, my husband told me that for the first time, I had finally fully taken the role of mom.
I didn’t shrink back allowing the other one space because truthfully she never took it so I was leaving a void by not filling it.
But this time I filled it.
And it overflowed with love.
