The Heaviness
My husband lost his job after 23 years on January 8, 2024. He was our primary income earner. I had a well-paying career but he was the larger income earner. We also ran a small business and, in May 2023, we had committed a large amount to church building pledge—a real stretch for us. It started to feel like the walls were closing in, even if they weren’t on paper.
Over time, I noticed a weariness in my spirit. A heaviness—always present. Suffocating at times. I couldn’t find joy. My body felt pressed down, like a weight I couldn’t escape. Happy moments came, but the heaviness always returned. Oppressive. Smothering. I smiled less. Enjoyed life less.
It felt like the heaviest weighted blanket draped over me. I could shift it a little, but it never left. I prayed and prayed. I tried everything—exercise, rest, nutrition—but nothing lifted it. I was exhausted from carrying that weight.
Seeking the Spirit
During that season, I was seeking the Holy Spirit—reading Scripture, asking to see Him, inviting Him in. I read Tyler Stanton’s The Familiar Stranger and loved it. In my ten minutes of silence each day, I began to see small visions but the heaviness was still here.
Thankfully a friend was also seeking the Holy Spirit and experiencing the Spirit. We both had a desire for the extraordinary. She had been seeking the gift of tongues; I hadn’t. My mother had that gift, and I never understood it. Honestly, I thought it was hokey—snake-handling weird. Still, I desired the fruit of the Spirit—and, yes, to experience the gifts too.
From Scripture, I knew different people receive different gifts.
The Festival
Late April 2025, we were at our church’s Spring Festival. While we sang and listened, I consciously felt the Spirit moving. I can’t describe it but I FELT the Spirit moving in our midst. Then I felt something in my throat—like words wanted out. I knew the Spirit wouldn’t disrupt the service, but the sensation was unmistakable. Something was happening inside me.
I told my closest friend very reluctantly. I mean this sounds weird. She confessed she’d received the gift of tongues the week before—her “prayer language.” She hadn’t planned to tell me since she thought it would sound weird also, but when I described my throat sensation, she opened up.
I still had the heaviness but this was new.
“A Spirit of Heaviness”
A few weeks later, I was out walking on a Saturday morning, pouring my heart out to God. Why can’t I shake this heaviness? It’s affecting me—my marriage, my life. Then, rounding a corner, it hit me like an audible sentence: “You’re being tormented by a spirit of heaviness.” I stopped. No confusion. No doubts. The Bible tells of God’s people being oppressed—not possessed—by evil spirits. That’s what this was. It explained everything.
I prayed as I walked, then called a friend who’s been learning about spiritual warfare. She told me to skip my errands, go home, and pray on my back porch—in the authority of Jesus and the power of His blood. With reluctance, I did.
Freedom on the Back Porch
I told my husband what I believed—try telling your husband that one. When the house cleared, I went to the porch, dropped to my knees, and prayed. I asked God to cleanse my spirit and soul of all black poison and dark pestilence—anything obscuring my view of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I prayed with the authority Jesus gives in Scripture and commanded the darkness to leave. I told God I wasn’t getting up until it released. I was loud. Crying. Firm.
Then it happened. I felt the release—physically. Gone. I felt lighter. Joy came rushing in. Tears of relief and gratitude. I was free.
As I knelt there praising God for freedom, just letting it all out, sounds I had never heard before came out of my mouth—strange, unfamiliar, yet natural. When they stopped, I covered my mouth in shock. What just happened? Did that really happen? Then I stood and kept praising with this new language – my prayer language. Just between me & God.
Alive to the Holy Spirit
It was one of the most incredible experiences. The Holy Spirit was & is real. I was experiencing Jesus—experiencing God in new ways—and I felt alive.
Looking back I feel like I missed out on so much because I didn’t believe the whole Bible or wasn’t taught that the gifts are real and wasn’t actively seeking. But they are. Don’t settle for “normal” with Jesus. Jesus wasn’t normal – He is a Risen Savior – that’s not normal. We’re called to be different—set apart—light of the world.
I’m not perfect. I still get distracted and let my day get away from me. On anxious, irritable days I realize—I skipped my ten minutes. So I recenter, and do the one thing I know: sit in silence, stillness, and solitude with my Creator.
From the Porch…
As we wrap up our chat today, remember this is not a one & done. I found freedom that day but on this side of eternity, this is a battle between light and dark. Whether we like it or not, we’re in the battle. Not engaging is a choice.