As I continue to learn and grow in my faith. I think about what it means to follow Jesus. As a believer like others, I say I want to follow Jesus. I say I love God.
But do I?
Am I really willing to say yes?
I pause sometimes when thinking through my response. Like to let this question sit with me for a while.
Does pausing mean I don’t want to follow Jesus? Absolutely not.
What it does mean is that I don’t want to answer blindly — all gung-ho — without considering what I’m actually agreeing to. Too often I think we say yes without thinking about the weight of the question. We forget God created us with a brain, a heart, and eyes to see.
What does it actually look like to walk this out?
What will be asked of me when I say yes?
For me, it’s not if I say yes — it’s when. Though it takes me a while sometimes because I resist doing what I know I’m asked to do.
When our Pastor challenges us about being bold in our faith, you’ll hear hearty amens. But we’re usually in a safe place when we say them — not “out in the wild.” He cautions us to think about what we’re affirming. I’ve given my fair share of amens too, so I’m preaching to myself here.
Pausing before answering the call doesn’t signal a lack of faith. To me, it shows reverence for the question. I’m weighing, considering, and preparing — not resisting.
I don’t want a blind faith.
I want a faith that sees. A faith that sees the natural and the supernatural.
A faith that sees the things that confuse me. The things that are hard to reconcile. I want the struggle. I want a faith forged in the furnace. And if I’m honest, that desire scares me. A lot. Because I’ve read my Bible. I know growth rarely comes without discomfort and lives/dreams/desires are altered that surrender to Jesus.
So when I pause, this is what I’m really sitting with – what if what I want needs to be surrendered? What if it doesn’t happen in this lifetime or it takes decades? What’s my answer?
- What if your deepest desire is marriage — and the answer is no?
- What if your heart longs for a child — and the answer is no?
- What if you pray for healing again and again — and it doesn’t come?
- What if your dream is adoption, and you ask for one thing, but God gives you something far harder than you imagined?
- What if your deepest yearning is reconciliation with your child — and the answer is no?
- What if the thing you want most is the very thing God asks you to surrender?
Is my answer still yes?
(insert deep breath here)
Yes.
Pausing doesn’t mean wavering. It means I’m respecting the weight of the question. And this question deserves thought. It should not be answered hastily or without using the mind God created us to have.
Some days surrender comes easily. Other days I fight it. I know the right answer, but the stubborn part of me argues before yielding. Still, I’m learning that pausing doesn’t mean I’m walking away.
It means I’m leaning in.
From the Porch 🍃
Pausing isn’t the absence of faith — it’s honesty. And when I finally say yes, I want it to be a yes I understand, a yes I’m willing to live out, a yes that yielding to God’s plan and a yes I truly mean.
My life really isn’t about my life, is it? I was created for a purpose, not my purposes but His. I get one go around in this beautiful roller coaster life and I’m no longer satisfied living for me. That kind of living has gotten me nowhere except miserable and unhappy. I desire the narrow road and heaven knows I’ll need the Holy Spirit’s help to walk this out but I still say… Yes Lord. I’m here.